Berlaymonster

Jun 2, 20211 min read

EU tables capacity-building boost

The European Commission plans to roll out greater capacity over the next decade, in a bid to meet the bloc's 2035 targets. Binding...

441 views0 comments

New protocols for re-opened Berlaymont press room

Martini Seltzermayr

Jun 1, 20212 min read

New protocols for re-opened Berlaymont press room

Memo leaked to @mseltzermayr sets out draft rules for use of the European Commission press room post-lockdown. TOP SECRET TO:...

1,330 views0 comments

REVEALED: SECRET PLOT BY MOST EU COMMISSIONERS TO JUST BUNK OFF

Berlaymonster

Apr 20, 20211 min read

REVEALED: SECRET PLOT BY MOST EU COMMISSIONERS TO JUST BUNK OFF

Around 20 of the European Commission's less high-profile bosses are considering bunking off for the rest of their term in office and...

490 views0 comments

EU’s sordid Turkey deal shows humiliated bloc realises its Brexit errors

Martini Seltzermayr

Apr 7, 20212 min read

EU’s sordid Turkey deal shows humiliated bloc realises its Brexit errors

Ursula von der Leyen’s shenanigans in Turkey have revealed once again the EU floundering as it mourns the loss of its biggest, most...

991 views0 comments

American EU Dude

Mar 30, 20211 min read

EU vows to crack down on ‘satire’

The European Commission wants to ban so-called “parody” accounts on Twitter and Facebook, claiming social media is no place for humour –...

463 views1 comment

'EU Official' to retire after years of service

Martini Seltzermayr

Mar 11, 20211 min read

'EU Official' to retire after years of service

A leading light of the Brussels media scene is set to retire after a stellar decades-long career tipping off members of the press,...

586 views0 comments

Leaked doc reveals EU proliferation plans

American EU Dude

Mar 10, 20211 min read

Leaked doc reveals EU proliferation plans

Future of Europe, Inc.: EU gets into the new institutions business As various and sundry EU presidents approve the Conference on the...

544 views0 comments

EU unveils new Strategic Automaton for Trade

American EU Dude

Feb 18, 20212 min read

EU unveils new Strategic Automaton for Trade

The European Commission today made a bold bid to modernise its trade policy by announcing the creation of a Fully Strategic Automaton for...

435 views0 comments

EUHQ unveils 5yr plan to consider using Twitch/Clubhouse badly

Berlaymonster

Feb 16, 20211 min read

EUHQ unveils 5yr plan to consider using Twitch/Clubhouse badly

2026 should see leading EU politicians make a tentative and embarrassing foray into "new" social media platforms currently flavour of the...

110 views0 comments

Martini Seltzermayr

Jan 26, 20211 min read

German media reports “only 8% reliable”

German media reports may be as little as 8% reliable, the latest round of Berlin-based scuttlebut has revealed. The news comes as EU...

846 views0 comments

American EU Dude

Jan 20, 20211 min read

EU seeks new euphemisms for “money”

The European Commission wants to find new ways to avoid saying the word money, as fears rise that the public could figure out what EU...

493 views0 comments

New European Bauhaus hit by builder delays

Berlaymonster

Jan 18, 20211 min read

New European Bauhaus hit by builder delays

EU hopes for a New European Bauhaus movement face delays, with the contractor responsible citing "planning fuck-ups with the Council,"...

215 views0 comments

Rutte named Italian prime minister in Brussels backroom deal

Martini Seltzermayr

Jan 15, 20212 min read

Rutte named Italian prime minister in Brussels backroom deal

The Netherlands’ Mark Rutte will be named Prime Minister of Italy as part of an EU-brokered deal, after the Rome government suffered the...

1,383 views0 comments

EU to adopt Belgian French as lingua franca. Une fois.

Berlaymonster

Jan 13, 20211 min read

EU to adopt Belgian French as lingua franca. Une fois.

English will no longer be the go-to language for conducting EU affairs, the European Commission has announced, following complaints from...

741 views0 comments

EU presidency handover leaves Germany only *unofficially* running Europe

Berlaymonster

Jan 11, 20211 min read

EU presidency handover leaves Germany only *unofficially* running Europe

Germany at the end of last year handed over the reins of the EU's rotating six-month presidency to Portugal, depriving Europe's...

460 views0 comments

Twitter to delete EU commission accounts over "boring" content

Martini Seltzermayr

Jan 11, 20212 min read

Twitter to delete EU commission accounts over "boring" content

US hate-basin Twitter has announced it will permanently suspend the accounts of all 27 EU commissioners, citing “horrifically boring”...

4,058 views0 comments

EU to publish vaccine strategy as soon as 2026

Martini Seltzermayr

Jan 5, 20212 min read

EU to publish vaccine strategy as soon as 2026

The EU is to launch its jab-creation strategy in response to the Covid crisis as early as 2026, officials have told Berlaymonster. The...

148 views0 comments

Hungary, Poland get 2030 target to cut autocracy by 55pc

Berlaymonster

Dec 11, 20201 min read

Hungary, Poland get 2030 target to cut autocracy by 55pc

Naughty ruling governments in Hungary and Poland have until 2030 to reduce repressive measures by more than half, under non-binding...

42 views0 comments

Berlaymonster

Nov 13, 20201 min read

Back to School for Bad Europeans

Naughty un-European citizens are to be sent for re-education at a new EU training center, under latest ideas plucked from thin air by...

44 views0 comments

A Common Crisis Strategy Action Plan Speech Towards A Post-Covid Europe. Sustainably.

Berlaymonster

Sep 18, 20203 min read

A Common Crisis Strategy Action Plan Speech Towards A Post-Covid Europe. Sustainably.

President, Honourable Members, And Dishonourable ones. Let me get straight to the point. We are in unprecedented times. The most...

65 views0 comments

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